Sonic Attacks: Cubans Don’t Take Them Sitting Down

October 19, 2017 |

By Michael Ritchie

In the background is the US Embassy in Havana.

HAVANA TIMES – By now we’re all aware of the charges flying around the world that United States diplomats— and lately even casual tourists— may have been victims of scurrilous “sonic attacks” which left them near-deaf and near-daft.

Lately there have even been unsubstantiated reports that casual tourists visiting such hotels as the Capri and Hotel Nacional may have been victimized as well.

In a shoot-from-the-hip reaction, the Trump administration has withdrawn the majority of its diplomatic service people from its Embassy and dismissed most Cuban diplomatic workers from their Embassy in the U.S. It also issued a warning to U.S. tourists that they should avoid travel to Cuba as a result of the attacks.

An audio tape was released recently which allegedly sounds to some victims exactly like what they heard in the U.S. Embassy and in some of their homes. What it really sounds exactly like is a group of giant love-struck crickets on steroids.

President Raul Castro has denied any Cuban involvement in the alleged attacks. In an unprecedented move, he even invited the FBI into his country to investigate.

To date, neither the FBI, the Cuban government nor anyone else has found the party or parties responsible for the enigmatic “attacks.”

One huge question remains for this observer: Why have no Cubans been victims of the attacks?

I have an answer.

Cubans are not stupid. In fact, they’re quite clever. They’re taught, even as young pioneers, to avoid large gatherings of love-struck crickets on steroids— if they want to grow up to be like Che.

Which is why, years ago, when a chamber maid at the home of a U.S. diplomat heard such a ruckus when she was cleaning the toilet, she immediately removed the toilet seat and discarded it. On the underside of the item in question, she noticed an inscription which read: Made by the CIA.

Which, obviously, explains a lot.

Word of the “rigged” attack toilet seats spread among the chamber maid’s friends. And as a result, when you travel to Havana you’ll notice that there is a dearth of toilet seats. You won’t find them at José Marti International Airport. You won’t find them in some restaurants and bars.

Clever Cubans removed them wherever they had been installed.

So when you are looking to use the facilities in some Cuban establishments and think of complaining that there’s no toilet seat, think again. Be grateful that you’ve been spared near-deafness and near-daftness.

My theory will, of course, be denied by the CIA and by the United States government. Such denials, however, won’t be worth the toilet paper they’re written on.

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What's your opinion?

  • Jenny

    Haha, Michael. Yours is an amusing theory to entertain. Could be that, as an open-minded cubano I know likes to noncommittally agree with almost anything. Could also be one of two theories I’ve heard:
    1.) The diplomats with these symptoms, while at a nightclub, were exposed to reggaeton at high volume. Most Cubans are immune to the effects of reggaeton expect for those who primarily listen to Silvio Rodriguez; they might experience adverse physical reactions such as feeling nauseated or having their ears ring, but these are usually short lived problems.
    2.) The diplomats were infected by some sort of low-grade virus that attacked their inner ears. Cubans have a stronger immune system, so even those in contact with the foreigners in question had no overt symptoms. This could explain all or most of the physical manifestations, including the giant love-struck crickets. If your inner ear is infected, you can hear all sorts of strange sounds! Could be that, I think.

  • Ryan Ross

    Also cute: assigning unfounded blame solely for political purposes.

    • Moses Patterson

      Founded or unfounded, what happened, happened while US personnel were in Cuba. Whether directly responsible or not is debatable. Not debatable is the responsibility Cuba had to protect embassy staff.

    • Joseph Marti

      Let’s consider a hypothetical and see where it ltakes us:
      Suppose the incident were reversed and it was Cuban ambassadors in Washington who suffered suspected sonic attacks?… Do you think the Cuban government would take the “high road” those of your ilk imagine righteous, or do you believe Cuba would “(assign) unfounded blame solely for political purposes” – TO THE HILT?
      If you are honest with yourself, the answer is unequivocally and emphatically the latter.
      I challenge you to argue otherwise.

  • Davis, P.E.

    I love the surprise comedic twist! Well written!

  • Diddy Durdle

    Who are they? Name them. Why arent we hearing from them, the majority of whom seem to be “spies”, CIA if you will. It is concocted to destroy the increase in interest and tourism in Cuba. Bye bye

    • Joseph Marti

      Why should the US release names of those affected, let alone have them make statements? I fail to see the benefit at the moment. To address your skepticism??? If this is such a “far-right conspiracy,” where are the far-left voices in the US government who would love to discredit Trump. (BTW, I would relish any opportunity to discredit him. It’s just not materializing here.)

      • Terry Downey

        Why should the US release names of those affected, let alone have them make statements? You fail to see the benefit of that at the moment? Are you serious? Really? I suppose you have no skepticism then. In a free society, that’s absolutely ironic. And yet, if it were the Cuban government not providing full disclosure, you’d be popping a vein on your forehead over it. Give your head a shake. What an ass clown you are.

        • Joseph Marti

          The US has evaluated the situation and taken appropriate action – as it sees fit. It is under no obligation to divulge any information – just as any sovereign country has none. Especially when such divulging could jeopardize national security or the ability to more effectively conduct investigations. There is a good reason attorneys tell their client to keep quiet unless compelled to do so. There is no such compulsion for your desire – even if I begrudgingly share that desire. The US – or any country, for that matter – should not compromise capabilities in order to satisfy you, me, or any other curious observer. And no, under similar circumstances, Cuba should not either. If they were to, it would be exceedingly foolish. I may have my differences with The Regime, but I don’t have hold them to that low esteem.